Wanted: A huge load of shit.

Well, today is a good day... for the most part. I'm well rested, motivated and generally excited about life. Its amazing how easy life gets with a good night's rest behind you. I am so often tired and melancholy since my life turns into a constant rubbing and positioning of trying to fit two very different schedules into a day, get to sleep on time, and to sleep long enough to get a good amount of rest. It always seems that instead of cutting out the useless things during a day, it is often sleep that gets compromised.

I'm not sure about everyone, but i know personally my motivation is tied directly to a nights sleep. If i'm well rested i'm optimistic and hard working. For example today is a common result of a good night sleep, I have got my laundry done, ( lol believe me was basically everything that i own) got a paper read, have cultured my cells, found time to blog, and have studied the first chapter on biology form the exam crackers text book i bought a good long time ago.

That brings me to my final thought for today, medicine. As many of my friends realize, i originally quit my web programmer job, to come back to university. 5 years later, i have an undergraduate degree under my belt, and am 1 year (almost) into my masters degree. So i'm on the threshold of having to decide what to do after the masters. There is four potential options that i am considering.

1) Work
- I am not hot about this idea. Work is good in the way that i could take time to further decide where to go, but perhaps it will be just another stalling move, like so many of my other decisions. I could take a year to work as a lab tech, but perhaps instead of being the primary plan, i can use this as a secondary incase i need a year to reapply or relax.

2) Dentistry
- Oh yes, not many of you may realize that i've been batting this one around. Sadly the down side to dentistry is that i'm not in love with teeth, or dental hygiene (as i know some people are), but rather i'm excited about the lifestyle. Good pay yes, can't complain about that, but years of working on the farm has given me a need to be my own boss, and to also have alot of free time. I like the idea of work hard, play harder. After a long day i like the ability to just leave the office and relax, not to worry about what is going to happen tomorrow, as tomorrow has yet to come.

3) Phd
- High and mighty professor? Hmmmm, probably not. I have had alot of people suggest that i have the mentality to teach, and the patience to troubleshoot with people; but i don't think the minefield that is academia is for me. Looking at the kids that run around the biology department now, i have no will to emulate them. For all the time i put into getting my phd, i will not get the return back for my time as much as dentistry or medicine. Hours that are worse or on par with medicine, wages less then either. Free time? roflamo there is no such thing as free time in research. Basically you are always trying to rush and out compete someone else. Constantly trying to beat another researcher to the punch, and if you fail? Well that means the year(s) you put into your now useless (scooped) research have taken you no where and are nothing more then a learning curve.

4) Medicine
- Yes, the original idea. I am still not sure if its the whole romantic idea of medicine shown in ER, scrubs and gray's anatomy. But as you may have figured out by the initial paragraphs, i've decided to pursue this yet again. It became aparent that maybe this is a romantic dream of mine. Alas it is a dream, which means it is something that has always been on my mind. I have always been interested in medicine. This morning there was a series on cbc1, called white coat/black art. It is an extremely interesting series that looks at the inside of medicine and problems that are present there. I remember all last summer, that i'd just go hide out for an hour on wednesday mornings when it was on, so i could listen to the whole show with little distraction. Today they had a reair (is that even a word?) of a show. I was riveted! To the point that after picking up my gf from a local car shop, i sat there for 10 minutes listening, even after she proceed to argue for me to come in with her to the house. Once that block of the show was done, i rushed in (yes i even ran), to desperately find a radio to listen to the rest of the show. Only 20 extra minutes, but i was that interested. If this dream has been at the forefront of my mind for 5 years, i have an innate interest in it, and have changed my life to allow me to pursue this goal; who am i or more importantly, who is anyone else, to say that i shouldn't or perhaps couldn't reach my goal? I'm tired of defeating myself I'm picking up the yoke again, and am going to plant the seeds back into the field of my dreams. With some effort and diligence perhaps i can make the dream flourish.

Mindtrap

I often wonder about my path in life. Am i where i thought i would be, am i where i need to be, am i who i want to be? Perhaps i am. I am definately my own worse enemy. Not just with doubts, but with all the traps i lay out for myself with little thought of how i am slowing myself down and throwing up roadblocks. My mind traps me within a image that i am comfortable in. Comfort is a shield i wear to block risk and failure. Perhaps its time to stop being comfortable and put both hands on the sword and start swinging.

Trying increases the chances of success 100 percent. A humorous statement that may seem like common sense, but one i've long since ignored. Just floating has become so easy that i find it hard to stand up and keep walking.

Optimistic first of many.

Well, here I find myself yet again.

Alot has changed in the years since my last post and perhaps alot hasn't. I still see the blog as a potential release, hmmmm, maybe not release, but more as a focus to help keep me doing what I need to get done.

I'll bring everyone and no one up to speed on new developments in the future and perhaps I'll even get into the current mash of goals competing for my time. Regardless, this is the first post of an optimistically lazy and absent minded blogger :)

Well i have gotten a mark from most of my classes by now and i know i'm doing fair, 90's for Soc, 80's in Biotech (one of my 400 classes), 80's in micro diseases, and high 70's for biochem. I didn't get a mark back from patho yet, but in about an hour i have it and supposedly he said he has the paper to pass back, so i'll see soon enough.

I'm doing fair this year, but with some motivation and alot less slacking i could be well on my way to getting good marks in my classes.

And people say i don't make plans and stick to them.

Well i finally am pulling out of my slump, after a solid week of wasting money, and not doing work i have found my pace and realize taht i have little to be excited about in the next 3-4 weeks. First, i have a presentation on the diease markers of lung cancer, ie SEZ6LZ to be exact( its an intersting transmembrane protein), a take home midterm from hurta on friday, a 10 page paper on artritis due on the 15th of Nov, then the next week after all hells breaks loose.

I have a organic chem midterm, along with a microbial diseases paper ( ~ 8 pages ), and a molecular biotech paper (~ 12 pages) due. Hmmm will i procrasinate and do it all the night before? YUPPERS! Hmmmm can i use the idea that i know i'm going to procrasinate til the night before as a excuse not to do work and procrasinate now? Sure i can, i'm off to go slack off and do nothing. Well atleast i live a mostly unstressful life, puncuated with minor bouts of manic stress. YAR!

Penguin trapeze.

Things i know about myself... i'm inherently lazy, and my mind is like an iceberg.

I'll humor myself and give myself a particularly large iceberg to represent my mind and like any good iceberg you need to have penguins on it. Well the penguins represent all the knowledge i have stored in my head. Now the iceberg is quite large and for the most part it is empty and open, but then day by day, year by year, new penguins are born and memorized and soon the finite room on the iceberg is filled and there just isn't enough room to move. Alas it doesn't end there, school and time stops for no one, so even though the iceberg is covered with penguins i try to cram another one on, but i knock another off. I shrug, whats one measely penguin, but over time new facts replace old ones and the cycle just continues indefinately.

I figured this all out when studying for Molecular Biotechnolgy when while memorizing the steps for the processing of a mRNA strand, i lost the abiltity to say the world competent, much to the enjoyment of my fellow studymates. This metaphor can be taken a step further.... when i am furiously throwing on new penguins, such as when i am approaching a midterm or final; i have penguins sitting on top of others in a pyramid-like lattice and soon with soo many little bodies being pushed off into the water, the temperature of the water around my iceberg rises. The bottem begins to melt and soon the top is heavier then the bottem and BAM! it tips over and all the penguins are knocked off and i am forced to take a break after the midterm as i have no thoughts left in my head. Maybe not the cleanest metaphore but the best my iceberg can come up with

Quiescence

Maybe i'm odd. But sometimes things seem to just mesh, sometimes a feeling that has been on the edge of your conciousness comes sharply into focus. Its happened a few times in my life, and maybe i'm different in this respect, but when it happens its like a flash. When one of these times comes either i make a very large change in my life or they act as a confirmation of being on the right path. The last time i had one of these peaks was 5 years ago, when i found that it fit right that i should quit my rather well paying job and head to university to become a doctor.

In the tone that i carry throughout my life, i used misdirection to escape people judging. I said i hated it, or that it was too stressful and even that i was driven to drink so i moved on. I'm a such a fucking liar, and a tad bit disappointed taht no one caught on, especially since i suck at lieing. It was simply me waking up and taking stock and finding that at somepoint i had took a turn and followed someone else's path through the woods that would be life. And so i went back to university, it has been a very convulated and rocky paths but one that i would never trade for anything.

For somereason while watching one of the episodes, i heard a song that just spoke to me. "how to save a life" by the fray. Not sure why this song has such a profound effect but alas here i am sitting at the desk with my eyes closed, tears carefully hidden behind eyelids ofcourse. There are few things that get me emotional like this. Examples being stories of when someone runs out of time to tell all the people they knew how much they meant; watching someone give up on a dream and settling, and apparently this.

I have been struggling with my direction recently, and have been having alot of problems. Angst, jealosy, feelings of inferiority have plagued me; even without the added pressure of outside sources weighing on me; they have been a bitter mistress to work under. One whom's untiring arm has constantly leeched me and my soul. i am thankful to my core that this clarity, this perspicacity that has lent a hand and shifted my burden. I am as burdened with my secret feelings and my personal judgements, but with this shift in the weightb the burden is easier to bear, easier to carry. The path ahead of me is winding and i can't see the end through the trees, but i know it's there and better, it isn't a race to the end. I will arrive there as i should, bruised, blistered and burred. I have untangled some of the yarn of my life, my life cord is unraveled ahead of me, perhaps only for a short pace, but who would want it any other way? Life would be boring and tastless if it was clear of knots, snag and kinks.

Update 1.0

I approached my micro prof for the second time about working in his lab and he still didn't make up his mind for sure yet, he has talked to his graduate students and theya re all for a student volunteer, lol more so taht they dont' have to do the scud work anymore. He asked how many hours a week i would be willing ot put in, and hesitated to suggest 6 hours, lol i was willing to put in more then that, 6 hours aweek would be ajoke. So he said he would have to wait til wednesday to make up his mind, as he had to find a graduate student willing to keep me busy with work. So lets cross our fingers. While you might be shaking your head on what ever is he thinking of offering to do the jobs the students who work on under the prof dont' want to do, well its quite simple, this is a huge in. "In", meaning that i'm confident the prof likes me, and if i can show i work hard and have an interest in the topic, perhaps it will open doors to a master ;). That being said i'm still not going to stop busting his chops when he is in class, i actually think he likes it strangely.

As for other things, i'm just studying biochemistry tonight, not doing well. Which is nothing new, but it must get done; who the hell really needs to know about the pyranose and furanose rings? bah! or more exact Bah! with a capital B. Anyway off to do more reading, have a good day all.